So Terrified, So Proud

In the hallway as we waited to enter his classroom, it hit me. 

I couldn’t put a name to it, but I could feel it.

It was that old familiar lump in my throat, the near tear in my eye.

Nothing summons my emotions like moments like this.

As we walked in and were surrounded by all of this newness, it hit me harder.

We got our picture taken, which I thought was a nice touch.

We found his seat, and when I looked around, when he looked around.

All we could see was a room full of friends we don’t know yet.

I felt nervous for him.

I felt nervous for him because the one thing that will be hardest for me to give him, is the one thing he will demand the most.

His independence.

He started preparing me for this in the morning.  He insisted on choosing his clothes, doing it himself.

He insisted on carrying his back pack, his lunch, everything.  He said he would do it himself.

I realized that my natural way of being is to do it for him.

I realized that doing it for him, does nothing for him.

As we left him, after several kisses goodbye.  He was working.

He didn’t look up, and I knew.

I knew he was ready, he was where he needed to be, getting the one thing he needs most; independence.

While I might be scared, anxious, nervous.  He isn’t.  He is simply doing what comes natural for him, exercising his independence, carving his own way.

As I drove away, I knew this will be a fight I constantly fight, with myself.  To give him the room to become, to become himself.

I thought back to my own childhood and my journey to becoming a man. 

In some ways it has always been about demonstrating what I could do, for myself.

I only hope he understands that I don’t try to interfere with his independence,

I’m just trying to exercise our interdependence,

in many ways it gives me a purpose unlike any other I’ve ever known.

As I work to gain clarity on independence, and interdependence, I know.

I know that watching him grow, letting him go. 

It is my honor to watch him spread his wings, and fly.

As terrifying as it is, it is as it should be.  We cannot stay in the nest forever.

In that moment I was terrified for all of the mother birds in the world, and father birds.

They must tremble in their core when their children take flight for the first time…

So terrified, and so simultaneously proud.