Summertime!

Our 4 year old angel at the store

First stop – a shopping cart just her size. Second stop – a delicious cookie, she only eats the inside. Third stop – Flowers for her, because she loves them sooo much…

As we walk out I can’t help but realize.  She does it all with such grace, it’s almost taken for granted how she does all of this.

Such is life with an angel in your midst.

The Hurry, The Harm

This morning the eerie sound of silence was an unwelcome guest filling every room.

The hurry was underway, leaving little time for connection, only time for production.

Now all day, I deeply miss everyone, miss feeling their connection. I am lost without it.

So Terrified, So Proud

In the hallway as we waited to enter his classroom, it hit me. 

I couldn’t put a name to it, but I could feel it.

It was that old familiar lump in my throat, the near tear in my eye.

Nothing summons my emotions like moments like this.

As we walked in and were surrounded by all of this newness, it hit me harder.

We got our picture taken, which I thought was a nice touch.

We found his seat, and when I looked around, when he looked around.

All we could see was a room full of friends we don’t know yet.

I felt nervous for him.

I felt nervous for him because the one thing that will be hardest for me to give him, is the one thing he will demand the most.

His independence.

He started preparing me for this in the morning.  He insisted on choosing his clothes, doing it himself.

He insisted on carrying his back pack, his lunch, everything.  He said he would do it himself.

I realized that my natural way of being is to do it for him.

I realized that doing it for him, does nothing for him.

As we left him, after several kisses goodbye.  He was working.

He didn’t look up, and I knew.

I knew he was ready, he was where he needed to be, getting the one thing he needs most; independence.

While I might be scared, anxious, nervous.  He isn’t.  He is simply doing what comes natural for him, exercising his independence, carving his own way.

As I drove away, I knew this will be a fight I constantly fight, with myself.  To give him the room to become, to become himself.

I thought back to my own childhood and my journey to becoming a man. 

In some ways it has always been about demonstrating what I could do, for myself.

I only hope he understands that I don’t try to interfere with his independence,

I’m just trying to exercise our interdependence,

in many ways it gives me a purpose unlike any other I’ve ever known.

As I work to gain clarity on independence, and interdependence, I know.

I know that watching him grow, letting him go. 

It is my honor to watch him spread his wings, and fly.

As terrifying as it is, it is as it should be.  We cannot stay in the nest forever.

In that moment I was terrified for all of the mother birds in the world, and father birds.

They must tremble in their core when their children take flight for the first time…

So terrified, and so simultaneously proud.

1st Day..

Tomorrow is the first day, of school..... (An Open Letter to our Son)

Oscar,

Summer is quickly coming to an end, with it the signal that a new season is approaching becomes all the more evident.  But this time my son, I’m not talking about fall.  The season of your life going to school stands before us.  As excited as I am for you, I am also nervous and scared.  I tremble with you on the ledge of new beginnings. 

I am excited for you because school offers so many wonderful things: new friends and endless new things to learn about.  It really is an amazing time.  Anything is possible, every day is an adventure. 

I’m scared because the world is imperfect, and it causes me pause knowing that you will go forward into it.

But go into you will; running and laughing I imagine.  And that is how it should be, unbridled enthusiasm and imagination launching itself into the world. 

As you go there are a few things that I do want you to know.

We love you, we love you in a way that words cannot describe.  Every moment that you are away, we will be thinking of you.

As you walk into this new journey, please be kind to everyone you come across.  Kindness will always lead you in the right direction.

Have fun in all that you do, with whatever passes through your hands.  Having fun and enjoying what you are doing is a choice, choose to enjoy it all.

Things won’t always be easy; they won’t always go the way you want.  That is ok.  It is as it should be.  When things don’t go your way, hold on.  Keep trying and soon they will.

We love you son. 

I know that this is only the beginning of a wonderful adventure.  I can’t wait to cheer you along every step, or help you up when you stumble.  We will both be learning, and I can’t thank you enough for the honor of being on this journey with you.

It goes by so fast...

Carefully I pulled back the tiny chair, situated at a small table.  As I sat down I knew a new journey lay in front of us, I only wondered if I had the courage to let go, surrender control.

Last night our oldest son’s school had an open house, a time for parents and students to come in and get the feel for the school, their new classrooms, etc.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a felt moved emotionally.  Moved in a way that signals to me that a new time is upon us, and with it new lessons to learn. 

As I sat in our son’s seat, I couldn’t help but wonder what he will experience while sitting in this chair.  All the triumphs and near misses that are sure to come came rushing over me. 

It is really a strange experience, to love and care for someone so much, to want to protect them, to want to make their world as perfect as it can be…

When in reality their world can never be perfect, our world is abundant with imperfection.  In many ways it is those imperfections that make for the most striking beauty.  

Yet, somehow as I sat in that chair, realizing the imperfections that wait, I wasn’t sure I was ready.  I know he is ready; he is naturally fluid, just like life.  He will no doubt, go with the flow.

As I read to him the student, parent, and school agreement around effort and support, I realized he was ready for this, ready for this new adventure to take flight.  In a moment what had been my own heavy feelings was replaced with lightness, the lightness that will propel him in this flight of adventure.

His enthusiasm and curiosity for what comes next reassures me that setting him free is the only way for him to develop his wings to fly.

Nervously, anxiously, I wait.  School starts next week and soon my trepidation will be replaced with swelling pride at how well things are going.

But I know I know deep inside that what I am really feeling is this: it all goes by so fast.