Bad Horse

Genius is eternal patience. – Michelangelo

I couldn’t imagine a better quote exists for helping someone understand what it takes to be a great parent.  I only wish it were easier to be a genius.

This morning I was anything but a genius, I was a beginner, again.

As we were trying to get our son dressed for school it didn’t go as well as I might have hoped.

I lost my patience, and it did anything but help the situation.  Somehow in my mind I knew that where I was going wasn’t helping, but that did little to stop me from going there.  As I rushed him and urged him to accept the choices we were giving him, I lost sight of the fact that he is a 6 year old boy.  6 year old boys have their own way of being, their own set of things they want, and how they want them.  Yet I did little to include him in the process.  Instead I tried to force my way.  Now I am left with the trail of regret that is the cost of not being present, not being mindful, and not listening to what is going on around me.

The work for me continues, and begins new each day.  I am only sorry that my lessons often come at the expense of the joy and happiness of others.

Once again I am reminded that my way is that of the bad horse.

‘…it is said that there are four kinds of horses: excellent ones, good ones, poor ones, and bad ones. The best horse will run slow and fast, right and left, at the driver's will, before it sees the shadow of the whip; the second best will run as well as the first one, just before the whip reaches its skin; the third one will run when it feels pain on its body; the fourth will run after the pain penetrates the marrow of its bones.

Thankful

Giving Thanks….

This is a little late to get here, but my hope is for the people who are impacted, they already know it.

As Thanksgiving came and so quickly went… I was reminded.  Reminded of what really means everything to me.

I recently read two questions that bring this into more clarity.  I ask you to ask yourself these questions as well, that they might bring clarity to your journey.

1 – What is your biggest fear?

For me that answer is simple.  Dying is my biggest fear, but it is a little more complex than that.  The answer becomes, not being.  Not being with my wife and our children.

2 – What is the one thing you love the most?

My wife and our children.

In answering those questions I so quickly return to my basic humanity, a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes.  Life is about love.

As I think about what I am thankful for it is rather easy.

My wife.  Words are an injustice, but they are my favorite medium.  You quite simply are everything in my life, everything that means anything to me begins and ends with you.  I give my every breath that you may know, that you might know that being with you is a gift I could have never dreamt of.  I love everything about you.  You are the greatest mother, the greatest partner, and the greatest person. 

Oscar – our oldest son.  How can I describe what you mean to me?  Hugs, kisses, and tears come pouring out of me.  Son, thank you for teaching me.  Teaching me how far the depths of love go.  You are sooo passionate, so brilliant, and so consumed by what you are consumed by.  I love it.  Your gifts are many.

Vivian – quite simply my love you are all that is the best in everything, much like your mother.  You are the sweetest of angels.  I am so thankful that every day you remind me how beautiful we can be, if only we let ourselves.  As you dance and float (fall down) through your day, everything you touch is more brilliant because you took the time.  You are so emotionally intelligent and complex, I love you.

Abram – our little man, demanding, charging, hugging, squeezing, and eating his way through his day.  Only 2, yet you seem to know so much more than those years.  I am so thankful for having the honor of watching you.  You are two handfuls of little boy, while still needing cuddle time with Mom.  You are amazing.

Cleo – our littlest angel.  I am so thankful for you beautiful.  You are the picture of peace and grace.  Peaceful always.  Graceful as you are totted around while we intervene with your brothers and sister.  I am so thankful to have this time to hold you, to look in your eyes.  Soon you’ll be too busy running to be stopped.  Thank you for reminding me that the first step in being a good father is being humble.  Every night as I try to figure out again how to soothe you, it seems like the first time I’ve ever done it.  Being a beginner is the best reminder that no matter what I think I know, I don’t know anything.  Except that you are the greatest of gifts.

JFK

"You know nothing for sure...except the fact that you know nothing for sure." --President John Kennedy

On the Bus....

This morning was a first for us.  Oscar is now taking the bus to school.

On the surface it may seem like a rather ordinary event, but we are anything but an ordinary family.

It offers us a level of convenience that is much appreciated.

But it comes with that old familiar fear of the unknown.

There are so many things to worry about.

At the same time it has been something he has been asking for, he continues to seek his independence...

We'll see how it goes.  But as he got on the bus this morning and I heard other children calling his name out, I was both excited for him, and nervous.

Our Girls...

Cleo Rose is blooming, under the careful eye of Vivian....

Abram - The Most Precious of Kinds

Yesterday marked a most special occasion for our family.

Our youngest son turned two.  It hardly seems real even as I type it.

The time has gone by so fast.  Yet it seems like there is no way he is only two.

Ever since he was born he has been keeping up with his older brother and sister.

He demands to be right in the middle of the action, he demands it.

Abram Daniel, as you turn two I want to thank you.

Thank you for being so amazing.

Every morning you wake up, want a hug and kiss, and then it is time to fly.

All day you are the best companion anyone could ever have, always willing to play, always willing to give, except when you want to take, then there can be no negotiations.

No retreat, no surrender.

You take charming to a new level; just ask your mom who is tightly wound around your little finger.  I know this because even she laughs when you bite in a burst of rage.

You my son are the most precious of kinds, the kind that makes every moment brighter just by your mere presence.

It is my honor to watch you and to share with you.

Watching you climb, reach, and bound to heights I never dreamed possible.

Sharing with you a hug, a kiss, all of things that make love amazing.

Thank you for keeping all of our hearts young.  You remind us of what life can be, if we let it.

I love you little man.

Tiny Dancer

Last weekend I had the absolute pleasure to watch our oldest daughter's dance class.  What an amazing experience.

Hated all the drawn out winters....

So true...

Men are not against you;
they are merely for themselves.

~ Gene Fowler

Peace from Chaos

This morning I had a meeting that caused me to have to rush out of the house.

At the same time my wife was going to be packing up everyone, Oscar, Vivian, Abram, Cleo, and herself to take Oscar to school.

They didn’t have to leave until later than I needed to leave.  As I was getting ready to go I was trying to get everything ready that I could that needed to be ready to ensure a smooth departure for them.

This strategy of mine proved to be anything but helpful.  I was far more disruptive than productive.

As I walked out the door Abram was upset, Cleo was along for the ride.  Vivian was upset for not getting to say goodbye in her way, and Oscar was busy doing his own thing.

As I walked out I was leaving the chaos that is a growing family.

I got in the car and it was silent, very silent.

As I drove off I was waving to Vivian at the door.

As I turned to head to work I had a feeling of guilt.  Here I was selfishly heading to do my thing while my wife was carrying all the weight.

After realizing my own selfishness I also realized something else.  The car was so peaceful.

It made me think about how easy it is to know things in contrast, chaos and peace.  My experience is that peace is deeper and more easily recognized when it was preceded with chaos….

Perfect Moments - Last Night

Last night our son called me over to tell me a secret.  I bent over and he put one hand on my shoulder, then he cupped his other hand in that way that ensures your secret travels no further than your hand.  He put that cupped hand to my ear and he said to me, “Happy Veterans Day, I forgot to tell you tomorrow.  Happy Veterans Day”. 

I was never more proud to have been in the Marine Corps.  I have no idea how he knew that Veterans Day had come. 

But my heart swelled when he told me those words. 

Later that night as he was going to sleep I asked him again about how he knew it had been Veterans Day.  He didn’t tell me, he just said he knew I was in the Marines and that I had battled.

When I told him I was never in a battle he looked a little disappointed. 

None the less as that little boy drifted off to sleep I was so proud of him, so proud of the little man he is becoming.