Centered

Last Minutes with ODEN from Eliot Rausch + Phos Pictures on Vimeo.

My Next Favorite Band

Better Than Nice

Little Angel

When our  little girl speaks….

even god holds her breath

wondering what beauty

are we going to hear next.

Our daughter is three parts

all of them uniquely beautiful.

First - she is the breath taking beauty

of standing at the base of a mountain

with the peak masked in clouds,

you don’t think the view could be

more heavenly,

then the clouds break and for

an instant you are awe struck,

what once couldn’t get better,

just did.

She is the innocence we long

forgot we once possessed,

the kind that asks in the morning

as we race to get out the door,

is today a stay at home day…

She is the kind of love

that only the tightest hug

and softest kiss could ever

give..

Timely delivered at the beginning

or end of the day,

or just when you are about to say

that she is nearing a consequence,

a bat of her eyes, a tilt of her head,

infractions...
from memory quickly wiped away.

Her way is the kind that floats

on an imaginary breeze

it can’t be contained

no matter where she is,

hers is the world and all that’s

in it is hers to give.

Or maybe

She is three spins

and four twirls

all the world’s wonder

in the form of our little girl.

No better yet,

she is like a kiss

from the sun,

she warms everything

It’s true I’m sure,

girls do have more fun.

Enlightened

Enlightened...

Last night during dinner

our oldest son declared

this…

This is how you do silence…

THEN HE BUSTED OUT FULL LOTUS…

He teaches me so much.

Amazing.

I’ve spent 33 years trying to learn,

half as much as he already knows.

I’m learning enlightenment

He showed me what enlighten meant…

This is how you do silence

..........

August 13th, 1979 - Time in Rewind

August 13^th, 1979

The sun will soon set on an unknown day

I always wondered what I’d say,

I only know you in the most unfamiliar way.

The hands of time are working in reverse

we’re still breaking the chains tying me to your curse.

I asked my mom what happened,

her voice turned to anguish

As the past unfolded I don’t know

My mom can start the story,

but she can’t finish………….

What was the last day like, the last day I had a father?

I was just over a year old

it was August 13^th, 1979

his birthday, I never knew.

Down at the bar he sat

we waited……..

his birthday dinner on the table

we waited…….

he emptied glass after glass.

When he did come home it wasn’t right

how could it be

it never was.

My mom can start the story,

but she can’t finish…………..

In those moments all of our hearts broke.

The fighting was so loud

for 6 months after

anytime a voice raised, I cried.

I still do……. I still do…….

The emptiness lives on in me,

does it live on in you??

His birthday and he gave the gift to me

call it a departing kindness

he forever gave me the gift of father emptiness….

Method

The way this works.

The way this works is the same every time.

I haven’t the time to sit and refine

all the thoughts in my mind,

all the feeling in my heart.

Where to start, where to start.

First thought, best thought.

Straight from my mind,

in real time.

No revisions, no edits, no deletes.

Letters offered to the page.

Giving life to what’s inside.

Except when it doesn’t go this way,

when I just stare at the blank page,

scouring through the feeling for a word

to jump………………..

Tear Filled Eyes

Tear filled eyes

signal what we can no longer delay,

we’ve waited

and

finally

tomorrow has become today…..

I scan my mind for something to say,

something to help the pain move from here,

to somewhere far away….

There are no words of brilliance in this moment,

just the recognition that this hurts,

and that nothing makes this better.

As I close the door on my wife’s tears,

I can’t help but feel like I’m failing,

like something has gone wrong.

We are dropping our children off at school

or daycare or whatever word for whatever place.

They won’t be with us and in that…

In that comes the reality that we must trust.

Trust someone else to treasure them the way we do?

Trust someone else to kiss every bump,

to nurse every bruise?

To read every sign, to take the time..

To take the time to embrace their brilliance,

to take the time to give them one more try.

To take the time to softly teach them,

the ways of this world.

Tear filled eyes

signal all that can’t be

ransomed in words,

tear filled eyes signal

our babies journey in this world…..

Last Night

Last Night

Last night the phone rang

it was my sister and I knew

it couldn’t be good.

That’s how things work in my family,

when the phone rings the news

is anything but good.

Last night the phone rang

it was my sister.

She wanted to talk about her father,

he abandoned her,

he was never a father to her,

she never felt his love.

He’s dying….

Before he goes I think

she wants to know that he’s sorry,

sorry for never being there,

sorry for never loving her,

sorry for not bearing witness to the brilliance

in her life.

Sorry, sorry that he helped bring her into this world

but never held her hand as she traversed this journey.

Sorry for all the missed birthday’s, holidays, celebrations,

sorry for never telling her how proud of her he is.

Before he goes I think

she wants to know….

She wants to know that he loved her.

It made me think of my dad……….

He’s dying and it’s a long story, the kind

I could never tell because I don’t have the details.

I lived it but don’t know it…..

You see many years ago as my mom

was being beaten on the floor by my dad,

my sister took me from my high chair and

ran to the neighbor’s house to call the police…….

We left and he never looked back….

Last night my sister called, she is hurting.

Our dad is dying and we never knew him.

Powetry

Where else can I turn

what else can I do

to express my gratitude

for you.

Every thought that I have

every feeling I feel.

Because of you I know

they’re real.

You are my sunrise

and my sunset.

My water, my food,

all that sustains me

is you…

Like the apple needs the tree

Or a boat needs the sea.

You put the owe

in my powetry.

Try as I might

there are no words

which can convey.

I love you

is all that I can say.