So here I am, just short of a month away from turning 30. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful son who teaches me what it means to live everyday, and 2 wonderful female black labs. A great job for a tremendous organization, my life is really blessed, and I am humbled when I take inventory of the opportunities that have come across my path. But when I start to think about who and where I am, I realize I fall short, way short, of who and what I can be. That realization is like jumping into a cold shower, it smacks me in the face and says wake up, we've got things to do.
So now for some ranting about how I got here, and why some of these things torment me the way they do. I was born to a father I have never known. When I was 1 year old my mother left my father, he was an alcoholic/drug user, gambler, and last but not least, abusive, physically and verbally. So when I was 3 my mother re-married and I was adopted by the man she married. I would then take his last name, now this seems small, but would prove to be a bigger item than one might first think. As I grew up my older brother and sister carried our biological father's name. So this was a constant reminder to me, that I did not know my father. All throughout my life I wondered what he was like, would he be proud of me, etc. But I have no answers to those questions. Later my brother would begin to emulate the actions of my father that led him out of my life, and have ultimately led my brother down the same road. So now the 2 men I am most like in terms of DNA are gone from my life. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't leave a gapping hole, where a strong male role model is supposed to be in a developing man's life.
Which is why I take such a stark inventory of who I am, and what I am about. As history has taught me, being a fool makes you a fool. And I spent a few years as a younger man, being a fool. Making light of people and not ever taking a second to appreciate the wonder that is the people that come into our lives. Nevermind actually letting people peer into my heart and get to know me, the real me. Not the rough exterior that I portrayed, which was I might add, very fragile inside. So I realized that I was losing out on what a major part of life is, and that is the people who are in it. So every day I try and measure in the mirror where I fall, and most days I am still feeling the cold water, but some days, some days I feel like someone who is helping others be what they didn't think was possible for themselves. While fleeting, those moments are pure gold.
But what does this have to do with anything. Well when I posted about Pat Tillman, I didn't talk much about the why, other than a few quotes that are anonomously attributed to Pat Tillman. Where my life has left me short of heroes close to me, I have sought them out. Pat Tillman is one of those heroes for me, and take away all the fancy quotes or inspiring words and it comes down to this.
PEOPLE FELT LIKE THEIR LIVES WHERE BETTER BECAUSE THEY KNEW HIM..........
Now that is something to dream of being, someone who with grace touches the lives of others as life allows our paths to cross. That is a legacy.
Some of you who are reading this have also watched the video of Anthony Munoz's son introducing him for induction to the NFL Hall of Fame. In that video he says to his dad, thank you for always being real. When I watch that I always think of how my dad was never real. And how I am never, ever going to allow that to be a reality for my son, nor for the rest of my family. But also extending that to anyone that takes the time to have a conversation with me. I will always be real, and give them a glimpse into me, in the hopes that they find something that lifts them up.
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