History, Influence, and Legacy

So here I am, just short of a month away from turning 30. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful son who teaches me what it means to live everyday, and 2 wonderful female black labs. A great job for a tremendous organization, my life is really blessed, and I am humbled when I take inventory of the opportunities that have come across my path. But when I start to think about who and where I am, I realize I fall short, way short, of who and what I can be. That realization is like jumping into a cold shower, it smacks me in the face and says wake up, we've got things to do.

So now for some ranting about how I got here, and why some of these things torment me the way they do. I was born to a father I have never known. When I was 1 year old my mother left my father, he was an alcoholic/drug user, gambler, and last but not least, abusive, physically and verbally. So when I was 3 my mother re-married and I was adopted by the man she married. I would then take his last name, now this seems small, but would prove to be a bigger item than one might first think. As I grew up my older brother and sister carried our biological father's name. So this was a constant reminder to me, that I did not know my father. All throughout my life I wondered what he was like, would he be proud of me, etc. But I have no answers to those questions. Later my brother would begin to emulate the actions of my father that led him out of my life, and have ultimately led my brother down the same road. So now the 2 men I am most like in terms of DNA are gone from my life. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't leave a gapping hole, where a strong male role model is supposed to be in a developing man's life.

Which is why I take such a stark inventory of who I am, and what I am about. As history has taught me, being a fool makes you a fool. And I spent a few years as a younger man, being a fool. Making light of people and not ever taking a second to appreciate the wonder that is the people that come into our lives. Nevermind actually letting people peer into my heart and get to know me, the real me. Not the rough exterior that I portrayed, which was I might add, very fragile inside. So I realized that I was losing out on what a major part of life is, and that is the people who are in it. So every day I try and measure in the mirror where I fall, and most days I am still feeling the cold water, but some days, some days I feel like someone who is helping others be what they didn't think was possible for themselves. While fleeting, those moments are pure gold.

But what does this have to do with anything. Well when I posted about Pat Tillman, I didn't talk much about the why, other than a few quotes that are anonomously attributed to Pat Tillman. Where my life has left me short of heroes close to me, I have sought them out. Pat Tillman is one of those heroes for me, and take away all the fancy quotes or inspiring words and it comes down to this.

PEOPLE FELT LIKE THEIR LIVES WHERE BETTER BECAUSE THEY KNEW HIM..........


Now that is something to dream of being, someone who with grace touches the lives of others as life allows our paths to cross. That is a legacy.

Some of you who are reading this have also watched the video of Anthony Munoz's son introducing him for induction to the NFL Hall of Fame. In that video he says to his dad, thank you for always being real. When I watch that I always think of how my dad was never real. And how I am never, ever going to allow that to be a reality for my son, nor for the rest of my family. But also extending that to anyone that takes the time to have a conversation with me. I will always be real, and give them a glimpse into me, in the hopes that they find something that lifts them up.

Pat Tillman

As Memorial Day draws closer I find myself reminded of one of my heroes, Pat Tillman. In honor of him, I wanted to post about him, and what I draw inspiration from. Now keep in mind I did not personally know Pat Tillman, so these are from things I have read about him. None the less you can see he modeled: Challenge Yourself, and Live Life to the Fullest!


"But the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.''

He seemed to portray the sense of being willing to step up and take charge of any situation.

He pushed the limits in life.

He was a non-conformist.

He measured himself by the intensity of his experiences.

He openly squeezed life with both hands – no peeking through closed doors.

He was unconventional – damn the norm!

His waters ran deep.

Don’t tell me about the pain, show me the baby.

He only had one speed.

He was willing to talk and connect with anyone.

He lived his life true to his convictions, without apologizing or making excuses.

He was humble, soft-spoken, and polite.

He turned every encounter into nothing more or less than two human beings talking.

He was the most respectful gutter mouth you ever met, the politest man ever to reach across a restaurant table and dunk his sticky hands into your glass of water.

So playful and so serious, so transparent and so mysterious, so kind and so frightening, so loud and so silent ... so juxtaposed. So at ease with himself that he could meet you wherever you were.
He knew that fear was what stood between a man and an extraordinary life, and the surest way through it was to stare it down over and over, until that gaze became habit.
He lived by a creed of accountability – Take it in the forehead.
He burned with authenticity.
He also challenged others about negative attitudes.
He didn’t think he was better than anyone else.
He had the courage to always test himself.

During a time when we pay our respects to those who have given their lives in our defense it seems only appropriate to take pause, and remember that though they are gone their memories live within us. And hopefully those memories challenge us to do more with the time we have.

Little Wonders

When I am with my son it is the most remarkable experience I have ever known. A close second with falling in love with my wife. But every moment he is full of what I call "GO". He is non stop action and it is beautiful to see the way he attacks life. I only hope that I will never do anything to quell this ambition, instead I hope to channel this energy into healthy and constructive action. But at almost 9 months it is something I marvel at. Each moment is an opportunity for him to explore and learn, and each item is a wonder put before him. It is too bad that as adults we somehow unlearn this, but being with him helps me connect with this same spirit in me.

Standing on the Edge

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau

Many times in my life I have confronted the brutal reality that who I am being can differ greatly from who I am in my heart, leaving in essence the song still in me. It seems that the hectic pace of the day allows for escape from our true center. Our true center being our gift, that gift being that which is most worthy of being shared with others. I have often found that the more I seek center, the more fleeting it is, when I open myself up to simply being impacted by what is around me, I mysteriously arrive at center with no effort. Only the realization that I am there, I am in the place to impact and be impacted. Instead of scrambling to take care of the next item on my to do list, I am where I need to be.

So if you are reading this, you might be saying what is the point of this jibber jabber.

Well my wife's 30th birthday was this week. We had agreed to a large gift for each other, and no real significant gifts for each other on the day as our collective gift is gift enough. So as her birthday drew closer and closer, my insecurity around the lack of material items almost caused panic for me. I knew the only gift I had to give her was me, which is an injustice for her, but really that was all I had to offer.

So she is a teacher, for her birthday my plan was to pick up our son from daycare, eat lunch with her, and spend the afternoon with her in her classroom. Experiencing first hand what her craft was like each day. It didn't work out to bring my son, (when my wife dropped him off at daycare she kept our only car seat). But I was still able to go, and I had no idea what lay before me.

We began our adventure learning about Spain as a prepatory step for the writing exercise to follow, mind you these are kindergardners (and it was all in Spanish). Just watching my wife with the students allowed me to step away from being her husband, and see her using her gifts. I found myself listening to her and the students as an observer, my mind was quite and I was engaged in the moment. Then we broke in to table groups and began writing about what we liked the most from what we had learned about Spain.

I was lucky enough to be seated at a table helping children with all different levels of ability, with one student we had an instant "wow I get it moment" with another we spent 15 minutes going over how to properly write the letter s. But their collective enthusiasm and vigor took me from worrying that I wasn't doing enough for my wife's birthday to knowing that I had never been appreciative enough for not only what she does, but also the grace with which she does it. I found that my heart was full, and on this day I was receiving the gift. I had come down from the edge, and was now at the riverside, able to drink from it's enriching waters.

My challenge is to consistently come off the edge, engage in what is before me and seize the opportunities to learn, grow, love, and care. As these actions naturally draw out what is best within us.

Inspiration

One of the thing's that I try and be is a source of positive energy for others. Some of you reading this may find this surprising, but in my heart when I am giving good energy to others, I feel really alive.

So I was shown something that I think demonstrates what I am talking about. It is from a blog, that I don't read, but know people that do. The writer of the blog is married, and his wife has cancer... What an awful reality for him and his family, but then one day he got this picture in his inbox:



I can only imagine that for an instant the writer of the blog felt supported and uplifted in a way that only caring for another person can give you. I think it is awesome and wanted to share it with you.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, what a wonderful day to celebrate the women that mean so much to us. For me at our house we tried to create a day that was a tribute to the lady that is the glue of our family. My wife is an angel, there really are no other words to describe her. As a mother I am humbled how she always knows just what to do, in times when I am especially clueless, she is guided by an inner light showing the way. It is a remarkable spirit to see in action, but in order to see it my mind must not be cluttered by the other goings on of the moment. Which can be rare, despite my efforts to be present and engaged in the moment.

But back to Mother's Day, what a beautiful day. That is until I had to call my own mother, as our relationship has grown quite strained over time, and I have not had the courage to really address the source of the strain. Instead I have let it fester to a point of now not really knowing where to start in terms of moving past the problem and on to the healing. Instead I prefer the old check engine light approach, ignore it and it will go away. But just light the check engine light, it doesn't, and usually it just makes things worse.

Fatigue

Fatigue, it is said makes cowards of us all. If that means abandoning who we hold ourselves to be in our hearts. Then fatigue has definetely been getting the upper hand with me lately. Our son has recently been fighting another in the long line of ear infections, he has been in pain and not sleeping as well as we might wish he would. Which means for the last 2 nights my wife and I have been up from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. for me, and closer to 3 a.m. for my wife. So needless to say when we do arise from the bed in the morning we are both pretty tactically focused on what needs to be done, and we may sacrifice the courtesies and affection normally given to the people you live your life for. Funny how easy it is to grow frustrated or perturbed when you are surrounded by everything that makes you, you. I often wonder why it is that we can give strangers more patience and understanding than our own family under some circumstances. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I mean I am not even sure if I gave my wife a hug and kiss and told her how much she means to me this morning. Isn't that an injustice, simply taking for granted that she knows, and that I will have an opportunity to make up for it later tonight? Seems almost criminal... Damn you fatigue for being a convenient excuse to neglect the pieces of me that are most central to my soul....

Me and Sunday

If you are reading this, welcome to this place. Hopefully you are well. The intent of this blog is to serve as a moment of clarity and reflection in my life. As my journey is often quite busy and doesn't offer a lot of time to synchronize my heart, soul, and mind. My hope is that this if only for an instant will be a place for that. I am a new father, with an 8 month old son, 2 female black labs, and a beautiful wife. Every moment of my life I try to live in such a way that they know how much I love and cherish them. That journey is really what this blog will be all about, my struggle to deliver on the promise of being the best man, father, and husband that I can. All the while also trying to fulfill my professional aspirations.

So the first thing to know about me, is Sunday's are meant to be spent doing as little as you have to with the people that you care the most about, which is what I am going to get back to.