Ho, Ho, Whoooaa!

Tis the season for the joy of giving. In that spirit I left my office during my lunch hour to venture to the nearby mall for some shopping!!!

Now keep in mind that I generally avoid malls at all costs, but the holiday spirit pulled me in, to that parking spot I got after somebody snagged the other one I was eyeing. No big deal, here I go.

When I walked into the department store I entered through, I could hear the Christmas music and man, it felt good. Christmas is in the air I thought. I quickly darted around the store eyeing several different things, I felt like I had plenty of endurance to look for the best price, so what the heck, on to the next store empty handed I go.

As I walk through the mall corridor and see all of the anonymous faces I ask myself "What the hell am I doing here again?". As quickly as the question entered my mind I recalled that I was getting a good dose of the Christmas spirit. Oh that is right I said to myself this is fun. So in that spirit I continue down the corridor and since I am price comparing I dart quickly in and out of a few stores, the people working offer me a nice greeting as I enter, I return the greeting but make sure not to make eye contact. Brevity is key for me, I only have an hour after all.

20 minutes in and my mind is wrapped around whether it takes more endurance to run a marathon or shop, I quickly determine that shopping requires more, and I wish I was running a marathon instead. Wait a second this is supposed to be fun, no, wait a second this is not fun.

10 minutes later I leave the mall empty handed and wish I hadn't gone in the first place. I am still left with the problem of not having the gifts that I need, but I will fight another day.

Thanks Given

Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday of them all. Because it is in my favorite season of the year that helps. But it always conjures up a sentiment in my heart of a really peaceful and centered feeling. Everything feels connected and in place, as it should be.

The funny thing about Thanksgiving for me is that it is also a reminder to me to be not only thankful for the gifts in my life, but to also share that thanks with the people who make my life so wonderful. Often this is a stark reminder that I may not be as generous with thanks and appreciation as I would like to think that I am.

So in an effort to start the holiday off right, I want to make sure that I give thanks here for the wonders of my world.

My wife is an angel, there is simply no other way to put it. She is the most beautiful, caring, and loving person that I have ever known. Sharing each day with her is a blessing. She makes me a better person and a better father. She is my best friend, the love of my life, and the wonderful mother of our children. Saying thanks to her is an injustice to all that she gives me and our family.

My son, there are no words that can explain what he means to me and how thankful I am to share life with him. He grips a piece of my heart and soul that only a child can, it is my lifes pleasure to spend time with him.

Our little one that is on the way. April 21st we are expecting another miracle into our lives. I am so thankful to be blessed with a growing family and trusted with another beautiful life in our lives. Thank you for all of the joy and love you have already brought us. Again, there are no words that can symbolize what you already mean to me. My promise to you is that I will give you all of me, your world will be built around love.

My dogs, I would be remiss if I left them out. Everyday they model to me what unconditional love is. When I think of them I am reminded of a very important Latin phrase in my life, Semper Fidelis (always faithful). They embody this perfectly, always faithful and always loving. They provide a unique gift that only animals can to me and our family. Our lives would be incomplete without them. Thanks to you girls, I know that often times your contributions to our lives our unsung. But you are critical in the fabric of our lives, I promise you will enjoy a part of the Thanksgiving dinner as a token of our appreciation for you and all that you bring to us.

To everyone else whose life touches mine, thank you for sharing in my life, and allowing me to share in yours. Often the appreciation that I have for you goes unspoken, but you are a part of all that is good in my life and for that I am eternally thankful. As our journey continues I look forwad to sharing of our life, and in sharing the tremendous gifts of yours.

Live Well, Laugh Often, and Love Much!

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much

My how the last month has just flown by. It has been a while since I have posted, I attribute that to not taking the time to let life inspire me to share. Somehow I have managed to let life's hectic pace take me from reflecting on the joy, to thinking about what else I need to be doing.

I realized this last night at a potluck that our son's daycare was having. We were playing and there were several older children that my son was playing with. He was so full of just wonderful joy and energy...... It was such a wonderful sight to see. It made me realize that I hadn't been taking advantage of every moment that life presents me to enjoy and celebrate just how wonderful things are. He was so alive in the moment, he showed me just what I hadn't been doing. He was squeezing the moment for all it was worth, not worrying about what was coming next, just enjoying the moment.

In those seconds I had a wow moment, I realized that I have been too busy worrying about what I wasn't getting done instead of focusing on what is right in front of me to be enjoyed.

I have let life get complex instead of keeping it simple. This was a great reminder to simplify my focus and let go of what is out of my control. Which made me think of the quote I read recently, "Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much".

3 thing's to keep front of mind to ensure that your time is spent on pieces of life that deserve your attention. The rest has always taken care of itself and will continue to do so without you worrying about them.

Amazing Grace

A long time ago I heard definitions of Justice, Mercy, and Grace, these have always stayed with me.

Justice - When you get what you deserve.
Mercy - When you don't get what you deserve.
Grace - When you get what you don't deserve.

Grace has been a major force in my life. Starting with my wife, how she fell in love with me and married me is something I am not sure I deserved. My life's work has been to confirm that her heart did not mislead her. She went to a great school and could have chosen from the cream of the crop, yet she chose me. Grace had everything to do with that.

Then with having dogs, both of my dogs (Abby and Grace!) love me unconditionally. Despite my short comings and faults, every moment they are happy to see me and give me all that they have.

As a father, forget about it. Nothing I have ever done in my life is deserving of the way my son makes me feel. He makes me feel amazing, my life's quest is to make sure he always feels the same way.

And now as we add another chapter in all of our lives, Grace is at work. We are expecting our 2nd child on April 21st and it is the most amazing gift in my life to be welcoming another child into our family.

My wife's pregnancy has been very smooth so far and I am hoping that it stays that way. It is funny how when you already have a little one you seem to have less time to focus on the pregnancy.

The journey only gets more exciting and the rewards all the sweeter. A big thank you to all of our friends and family who are excited for us. We will need your help and support along the way to ensure that our childrens lives are full.

Your support and love means more than you could know.

Life Is Good Today

The bailout didn't pass, the DOW is down, I didn't grab that coffee I wanted on my way in, Outlook hates me. If you watch the news they make it sound like we are fumbling towards historical depths.

But none of those things can change the hug that my son gave me this morning when I got him out of bed, it doesn't matter what happens the rest of the day..... Life is good today, life is good today. There will be much more to come on this theme in the near future, but know that life is good today.

Adios and vaya con dios!!

The Daddy Shuffle ---- Or Should I Say Stumble?

Last night my wife had her usually Monday night where she is gone from around 5:30 to 8:30. This is always one of my favorite nights as it gives me and my son a time to just be together and have some one on one time. But this is also one of the most challenging nights of the week because I am flying solo, actually flying without my navigator, which makes it hard to stay on course.

I decide that to start our night I was going to take my son, and our two dogs for a walk. This sounds rather simple, but trust me it is anything but simple. I get him loaded up in his jogger stroller, and I get the leashes and gentle leaders on the dogs. We make it out the front door and I have one hand on the stroller, one on the leashes, so far so good. Then the girls start wanting to pull and explore, this creates a problem. They weigh around 85 and 70 lbs respectively, and can generate a pretty fair amount of force when they want to change directions. So this makes steering the stroller a real challenge. We make it 2 blocks down and turn around. I guess you can have to much fun. As a consolation we play out in the yard for another half an hour.

We make our way in around the time that I need to start preparing dinner for my son. Then it dawns on me, my wife didn't tell me what to make him...... Hmmm, I am his dad and should be able to whip something right up, but I realize that I am not quite sure what he should have. After looking in the fridge, I find some chicken and sweet potatoes. Sounds good, I get it all put together and off we go, dinner time. He eats the chicken and sweet potatoes, followed up by some yogurt.

During his dinner, my dinner gets delivered. Pizza of course, what else would you expect 2 guys at home alone to order while they catch some Monday night football? But mine goes straight to the fridge as now there is no time to eat.

After his dinner we get cleaned up a bit and set off on playing for a while to burn the last reserves of energy before bed time. Usually during this time I also do the dishes, but wait, who is that tugging at my shorts and starting to fuss. My son, what is up buddy? Oh that is right daddy plays while mommy does the dishes. Together we steer further off course without our ships captain. So we play for a while, but he still isn't as happy as he should be. I feel his head, and I think he may be a little on the warm side.... Hmm, where do we keep the Motrin? After scrounging around I find it and it's handy dispenser, get the Motrin down and all of the sudden it is time for a bath. We get in the bath and about 90 seconds later, he pees in the tub. Alright bath time is done.....

We get dressed for bed, read a story and it is time for the little man to go to sleep. Right as he starts to drift into a peaceful sleep the dogs start barking. Thanks girls. He gets settled in again, and again they bark, and keep barking, and keep barking. Now it is time for us to go and check on what could be bothering them. False alarm - just the shadow from the chair. Off we go to get settled in again, and a few minutes later, mom is home..... Time to warm up our dinner so that we can eat.

So the story is simple and plain. But just because it sounds simple doesn't mean it is easy.

My respect and admiration goes out to all single parents who grind it out daily and fulfill the labor of love.

Evan Tanner - Rest In Peace

September 8th Evan Tanner passed away. Being a big UFC fan his passing was impactful to me. His rise to becoming a champion in the UFC wasn't what had brought me to be a fan of his. Instead it was his very open personal battle with his own demons that made him a champion to me.

He wrote extensively about his trials and tribulations. He had the heart of a warrior and the spirit of someone always learning and searching for experiences and adventure.

A Jack Kerouac quote reminds me of Evan.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”

His own mantra was about believing in the power of one person:
"Believe in the Power of One" is not about me, but it is. It's not an ego thing, it's not an arrogance thing, it's not a look at me, worship me thing. It has nothing to do with that.
It's a statement to all of belief, the belief that each of us, each man, each woman, each individual, has the power to change the world, and it is a reminder to take responsibility for that power, and to make use of it. How will you choose to use your power? How will you choose to change the world?

A great legacy for a man whose life was far to short.

1 Year Old

In the early hours of September 9th, 2008 our son will be 1 year old. 2:07 a.m. to be exact, and the minutes do matter. Because it was September 9th, 2007 at 2:07 a.m. that I fell into the love that only a father or mother can have for their children. It was at that instant that my life was forever changed.

I did not know that my wife held such courage and power inside of her. She brought our son into the world on heart and soul alone. I thought that I knew everything about her, but in those early morning hours from her I learned the labor of love, and the extent of courage. She did not complain once.... She understood that she was more than capable for this moment, all of her 29 years had somehow led to this. And quitely she brought this gift into our lives. I am forever humbled by the power she displayed and the gift she brought to us.

What I didn't expect about the labor was that once our son was born my wife still had work to do. Strangely this allowed me an opportunity to bare witness to the miracle that is our son, by myself for a few moments. While the labor and delivery nurses warmed him and cleaned him, I was offered a few minutes to be with my son. It only took one glimpse of him and life took on a whole new meaning. It almost defies definition or explanation, but I knew in that moment that he was the most important force in both of our lives.

Within minutes I was holding this precious little boy in my arms and all the world was right. Somehow there were no words to describe what I felt, but in those seconds I learned more than my previous 29 years had taught me. I had no idea the depths of love until the moment I held him, then I knew I would do anything for him.

That feeling has never changed, and each day I marvel at how he attacks life with the kind of joy and enthusiasm that I hope he never loses and I never do anything to take from him. He squeezes life with both hands and serves as my example of the joy and wonder that life holds if you seek it. Never did I know someone could be so perfect, and that words could never explain how I felt.

The last year has gone by in the blink of an eye, and many people have said that the ride only gains speed. It seems that I am forever reminded to grab a hold of the moment and enjoy it. But in this case I can see that they are right. The speed of life seems to only increase and somehow tomorrow quickly becomes yesterday. I look forward to seizing those moments as they are the fabric that my life is built upon.

To my wife and son, thank you for all that you both did last year at this time. You have given me the greatest gift that any man can know. My wife each day models for me what unconditional love is, and her example teaches me how I can be a better father. My son, I will spend every moment of my life in an effort to repay you for the feeling you give to me.

Step By Step

This past Friday night was an incredible moment for me and my family. Our son took his first steps, well 5 of them to be exact. At the time we were on the ground playing, and he stood un-assisted for a little while. The standing isn't out of the norm, but then he started to move, and before I knew it, had taken a couple steps. I quickly called out to my wife, who was in another room and was about to miss this incredible moment. Thankfully she came in just in time to see him take the last couple of steps.

It was amazing, he walked, and then he was done, back on the ground. With no real need to try it again, try as we might to entice him to. He had triumphed, and now he was good to go back to crawling. What I found to be most amazing about it was, I thought in my mind that one day we would create an opportunity for him to take his first steps, you know in true helicopter parent fashion. Have the whole thing set up, but he spontaneously seized the moment and did it on his own.

It seems for me that I often attempt to fabricate the great moments in life. Setting the stage for a grand happening. What was so great about this was that it wasn't planned or expected, instead it just happened.

I think for me there was a small lesson, to let go, let moments happen and be present enough in them to enjoy, but not interrupt.

Making the Time to Take the Time

In a world that seems to be forever adding to our to-do lists, it seems ever more convenient for me to let slip the moments that truly matter. For some reason I have the tremendous capacity to mock time, and make the irrelevant the highest priority, and place what should be the highest priority on the back burner. I know a talent to envy, but this is my burden.

So today as I contemplated going to the gym to work out over my lunch hour, a thought kept coming back to my mind. Today at my sons daycare was splish splash day. I am in need of exercise, but this is my sons first exposure to a pool.

What to do, what to do....

Fitness be damned, I need to see my son in action. Especially when considering this is his first week back to daycare this summer. And he just got tubes in his ears, no, now I am sure, I better get on my way.

So on my way over I keep having these visions of my son in the pool laughing and playing, just having a great time. These visions were soon confronted with the reality that when I got to the daycare and found the little ones in the pool, he wasn't there. A simple inquiry leads me to where he is, in the infant room with one of the ladies, crying and obviously very upset.

Now I am really glad I came to check on him. The worst sound I have ever felt is my son crying. I am never ok with it, and always want to do whatever I can to fix what seems to be wrong.

But here he is, tears down his cheeks, and I am really kind of shocked. He has always enjoyed daycare, at least I think, based on what little he can tell me, it seems good. I pick him up, and the crying stops, I find out that he didn't really have much fun in the pool, and I think now that Dad is here we can try it out again and have a better experience.

2 minutes later in the pool he will not release my shirt, I understand this is not what he wants to be doing. I pick him up, we watch the other children a little, and I see in his eyes that he really isn't having much fun.

This crushes me, my little man is not enjoying the place he is going to be for the rest of the day. Immediately I take him inside, get him dried off, change his diapers and clothes. Then I think of another idea to help him feel good about where he is, we will go play together in the work rooms they have.

Surely this will help him forget what the last 30 minutes has held. We crawl around all over and lots of laughs and fun. We play with almost all of the other children, and with the workers, now we are having our normal fun. So after being there about an hour I decide, we are in a good place now, I better get back to work.

My mind quickly recalls how his mom has described what happens when she leaves him in the morning, but conveniently I decide that only happens when she leaves, and he will be fine when I go. No sooner did I tell him I had to go and motioned to set him down did the crying start. I pick him back up, no crying, I kiss him and tell him goodbye, go to bend down, and again I am crushed.

Now I am in a predicament, I need to leave, but my son doesn't want me to. Several more attempts with the same result. Finally I let one of the ladies hold him as I left, but I am still dealing with how watching him cry as I left made me feel. CRUSHED.....

Which helps me recall that I should have sympathized more with my wife as she explained how hard it was to leave him on Monday his first day back. Instead I was multi-tasking and only partially listening.

Make the time, to take the time and be present in what is truly important, you only get one chance at these moments, don't apologize and ask for a redo, make the moment count.

Why Leave The Telling Up To Everybody Else?

In Ani DiFranco's song God's Country she cries out:
Guess I came out here to see some stuff for myself,
I mean, why leave the telling up to everybody else?


I couldn't think of a more appropriate beginning to this post. We recently went to San Francisco. As I look back at the trip it was the definition of seeing, experiencing, and living. So I wanted to offer a brief recap of the trip, and delve into the real substance.

We arrived later in the afternoon on Saturday and got our first crack at the big city, via none other than BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit). What a great start to our trip, especially because my wife loves to conquer public transportation. She has always modeled that we should get around the same way that the people who live in a city get around. And that was what we did, and with her at the wheel we easily navigated the route and quickly arrived at our destination. Powell Street, and for those of you who are familiar with San Francisco's downtown area, you may know Powell Street. It is the starting point for the cable car route, and let me say it is jam packed full of people. Really a great opening act for the city as you could not find a more diverse crowd. So we come up from the BART station on escalators right into the heart of the city, and boy was it beating loud and fast. We jumped right into the mix and headed to our hotel, just a few short blocks up the way.

We stayed at the Stratford Hotel, just outside of Union Square. What an amazing energy this area had, I contribute that to the thousands of people that seemed to be constantly jostling from one place to the next. Many tourists, and locals, the best t-shirt I saw read, Go Love Your City, which I found particlularily funny due to the fact that almost all of the shops had I Love San Francisco T-Shirts. The irony struck me as hilarious. But the journey continues as we had a ball game to catch, Dodgers vs Giants at AT&T park.

So we took an F Car to the ball park, and that was another in what could have been complicated scenarios, made easy by my wife's undaunting spirit that this is the only way to experience the city. We arrived and found ourselves sitting club level, and took in all of the awesome food and sites the stadium held. We sat next to some great people who were far more interested in our son than the game. Until the bottom of the 8th when the Giants scored the go ahead run, and the chants of beat L.A. began...It was a great welcome to a wonderful city. As we left the stadium police were on there way to break up a fight and the riot team was deploying as the ensuing pandamonium was coming with so many Dodgers fans in attendance. We made it back safe and sound to rest for the next day.

In the morning I ran down through the financial district of San Fran to the wharf. I was immediately greated as I left our hotel door by an innocent looking young lady who asked if I could spare a few dollars, as she had recently lost her purse. It was mind you 5:30 a.m., and while I did not have any money to offer I wished her the best and set off for the run. Which held many more eye opening experiences as I must have run by close to 200 homeless people living and sleeping on the streets of one of the richest cities in our United States. I am still trying to understand the impact of what I saw, but immediately I felt a desperateness to the situation.

Upon returning to the hotel we were off to catch a cable car to the fisherman's wharf area. The ride was a great time and I think it is a must do, but go early as we had only a 5 minute wait to board a car. I did see the line later grow to what must have been more than an hour. I wouldn't say it is worth standing around that long to ride. The wharf was awesome, my highlights were walking around with my wife and son, and seeing Alcatraz.... Which suprisingly didn't see nearly as ominous as I always thought. We didn't take the tour, but saw it from the shore. We also saw Lombard Street and the Golden Gate Bridge, both of which were cool. This also served as our introduction to the terrain in San Fran, and let me tell you it is crazy with hills...

From the wharf back to our hotel for our son to nap, which allowed us to eat and recharge for the coming afternoon. Which led us to 2 famous districts in the area. The Castro and Mission district's, and they exceeded expectations. I couldn't believe the architecture of the area and the stunning sites and sounds around every corner. Our son continued to win over hearts every step of the way along the journey, it was awesome. We finished off with dinner at a wonderful taqueria that offered some great food and ambiance. Mission had some great murals on the streets that poured out the beauty of this area. Caught the BART back home just in time for our son to crash, what a day in the Bay area!

Monday morning I decided to run up our never ending street to the crookest street, the hill seemed to never end but the run was made short by all of the sites and sounds. I was on the outskirts of China town and saw several older people out doing their morning tai chi exercises, as the sun rose I came down Lombard Street admiring all the city had to offer and it was truly spectacular. When I got back to the hotel I grabbed a coffee and chai tea for my wife, talk about a perfect morning.

From there we were off to Coit tower and China town. We decided to walk to China town as it was pretty close, but we got too early of a start as when we got there most of the shops were closed, no problem we decided, why not continue to the tower, by foot of course. This proved to be a tremendous way to see the city, and build muscular endurance as the same time, remember above... The terrain is intense, so sweating and ready for a drink we arrived at the top, only to find the tower closed. Still we got to see the wonderful view, and change our sons diaper, offering enough of a break for our spirits to decide the foot tour was by far the best and off we headed, back to China town. On our way back we walked through North Beach which is a predomoniantly Italian area and the shops and streets were amazing, hilly but amazing.

We made it to China town and just kind of anonymously flowed with all of the foot traffic along the sidewalks. I can only imagine this is what any chinese city must feel like. A great experience that offered some really....unique shopping?



From China town back to the hotel to get our rental car figured out for the drive ahead to Monterrey...... This took some time as you can't just walk into a rental car place in Frisco and get a car, it turned out the city didn't have any cars available. No problem, BART to the airport and 30 minutes later we had a car, and another 30 minutes later we had the car seat installed. A lesson in team building an communication later and we were on our way down the storied Pacific Coast Highway, all of the rumors don't do it an ounce of justice, simply amazing.


We arrived in Monterrey, and didn't quite know where our hotel was, but come on now, after how easy San Francisco had been, we can surely find this, right? An hour later, and several lessons in communication and team building later we arrived. Feed the little man, change his diaper, and off to dinner.

The next morning we were on our way from Monterrey along 17 mile drive, offering some of the most spectacular ocean scenary I have ever witnessed. We saw some great golf courses and wonderful views. A truly amazing drive, full of breath taking sights. I didn't know that it was so stunning, but it was unforgetable. I am including a picture of the "Lone Cypress" as evidence, it is the led picture above.

From there on to the renowned Monterrey Aquarium. Really a cool spot in a great location along the ocean. The highlights here for me were the amount of educationally aimed material for children and adults alike. Our son loved the touch pools and interactive tunnels, it was fantastic. On our way out we grabbed lunch and headed towards a Redwood Forrest in search of the mystical Redwoods..........

Only to find that we missed the turn off and once we realized we had, didn't think it was prudent due to time to circle back. Damn the luck, still a great drive, but my wife continues to remind me of my poor naviagational skills, and how much she wished she had the chance to see a redwood. Next time I guess.

Back into the city and on our way to Haight and Asbury Street area, the birthplace of the hippy movement. It was a really ecclectic area and lived up to the billing, in honor of the experience my son got breastfed in a local coffee shop, and nobody even noticed! Back to the hotel afterwards, via taxi, then BART, as we had an early flight the next morning.

Now if you have made it this far in my ramblings, first thanks for caring enough to read. But second, seize the moments to create memories. We will be talking about this trip until our next one, which I hope won't be very long. But don't leave the telling up to anyone else, create your story and share your memories in the hopes of inspiring others to create and share theirs!!

30

Well it has come, I turn 30 today. For me birthday's often serve as a point of reflection on where I am, and what I have experienced in the last year, for that matter in all of my years. A time to recount the amazing blessings I have had, and curse with distain the misteps that have littered the path. But now it is different, I mean I am 30.

I am supposed to have this life figured out by now, right? But I have found that the more I thought I knew, the more ignorant I really am. So this milestone marks a new transition, to being the man I am capable of being, and living true to my heart.

So in true manifesto fashion I have designed some short navigational statements to keep me on track. Life is our journey, and that journey is only as rich as our experiences, those experiences only yield the amount of effort they were given, so from here on out it is committed effort only, in all aspects, all the time.

Here is my compass:
All out committed effort
Engage in the moment
Never settle
Actions louder than words
Abandon the recipe

Short and simple. No need to get carried away, but keep in mind the path is worn with desperate souls who knew they could do more.

Believe in yourself and grasp with both hands that which you hold dear.

If you see me, hold me brutally accountable, as I love you, and you are helping me.


Get the full dose!

The Art of Miscommunication and Misunderstanding - Fatigue II

Last night/early this morning my son was having trouble sleeping. It all started around 12:30 a.m., but who is counting anyways. So we brought him into bed, and the adventure began. The next time I realized he was awake, 2:07 a.m. Keep in mind that I am not very good at waking up, so he may have been awake for longer. You would have to ask my wife to know for sure. But he wakes up and doesn't want to go back to sleep, my wife and I are synchronized at this time, and think he must be hungry. So he eats, and we hope he will be going back to sleep in no time. My wife puts him into his crib after he is done eating and seems to be asleep, but he decides.... Well he decides it isn't time for sleep.

Now the story starts. So my wife and I have been having our son sleep in our bed for a variety of reasons after he wakes up at night. Mostly because he has been having so many ear infections, and we feel like if he is sick or in pain, the least we can do is provide some relief in the form of being close to mom and dad, mostly mom, ok almost all mom.

But we also understand that this habit has got to stop. So we have tinkered around with letting him cry while in his crib, in an effort to get him to soothe himself back to sleep. The hard part here for me, is that I do not do well with listening to him cry. That being said, I have to hear him crying, then be woken up by it, then I don't like it and want to help him be comfortable. Which means I remove him from his crib, and take him to his mom awaiting further instruction.

But right now he has an ear infection, so in my mind standard protocol dictates that he take his rightful location between me and his mother. See this works out well for me because she soothes him and I end up falling back asleep. Good for me, but not that great of a deal for my wife.

So here we are, 2:07 and my wife begins logical communication with me around our new intended course of action, but it is 2:08 now and my mind is only capable of digesting what I had programmed in prior to going to sleep, which was if he wakes up, he goes between us, I go to sleep and my wife takes care of the rest. So the new course of action my wife is proposing is being rejected by my still sleeping mind.

Let the frustration and confusion ensue. After about 60 seconds of rational logic persuasion my wife realizes that my course is set, and really unwavering. Keep in mind, my brain is still asleep, which is why I am choosing the course of most resistance. I tell my wife that I have everything under control and that he will be asleep in no time. She is frustrated and willing to give me more rope... 2:37 a.m.

2:40 a.m. my wife uses her veto power and decides that instead of negotiating she is taking action. We head upstairs to our California King bed for all of us to get settled in and go to sleep. 3:00 a.m. he is still not sleeping and I have made the mistake of getting a little to comfortable, my wife senses this and immediately holds me accountable to our solidarity promise (no matter what we do, we do it together). I quickly try and justify my actions as simply settling in for the long haul, she calls my bs and knows I was on my way down. Next thing I know I am over compensating by deciding it is a good idea to rock our little man to sleep 3:07 a.m. At around 3:25 I return to bed with our little guy still with a full head of steam. Nice work I know! From here it is a blur, only that I know I will not make the mistake of blinking for too long... Sometime around 3:45 I think he went to sleep, I didn't have the energy to check in with the clock.

Great, Grand, Fathers and Sons

This past weekend my wife, son, and myself ventured back to our home state to visit family. It was a bittersweet trip in the sense that one of the purposes of our trip was to help my wife's parents get things in order for what we anticipate will be the passing of at least one of her grandparents. None the less, my spirits were high as this was a time to return home and seize opportunities that I had let pass me by before.

We met my sister and her family for an overnight stay in our old hometown. This was her first chance to meet my son, and being the proud father that I am, I was so proud to share him with her and her family. He is such a charismatic little boy that in seconds he had them all laughing and smiling. I think he got that from his mother.

Anyways it was just a great chance to be with family, after having let the time and miles slip by for too long.

We then returned back to were my wife's grandparents live. And our journey began to take on new meaning at this point. I was involved in as much of the labor as they would let me do. But most of the labor was of a different kind. The labor of love and the binds of family. I witnessed my father in law, at a cross roads. Here he was in the home he grew up in, making all of his childhood memories, some good, some bad. But none the less, this is where he first came to know this world. I watched him in this home, and it was sad. He was preparing the home, and other administrative matters to be settled. The settling of all of the years and tears that his family had given him. I watched him still walk on egg shells around his father, a man of 85 years, whose life had seen all of the tragedy and triumph those years could hold. I watched him hold his mothers hand, as she was sometimes present, and sometimes very distant, I am sure in a corner of her mind that held her better years. As twilight approaches for them both, I was painfully aware of the fragility of life, and how helpless I was to impact the situation.

Except for one thing, like I said my son was with us. And he could light up any room. And that was exactly what he did, he took the people in that home from their own silent despair, and at least for a moment offered a reprive. Many of them laughed and smiled with him in a way I don't think they had in some time. One gal that I can't forget even said, "Please come and see me again, won't you?". The heartache in those words ringing in my ears still. We did see her again, and she held our son, I hope that for a moment her heart was full of the beauty of this life. My son's Great Grandmother even smiled when she saw him, he will never remember those moments, but I will.

It seems that we spend our lives accumulating, things and memories, and when the dust settles what are we left with? Hopefully someone who loves us enough to be with us in those final moments, gripping our hands and remembering just how much we shared together. For in the end, the funeral will get paid for, the estate settled, but those aren't the pieces that hold our lives work. Our legacies are defined by the people and memories we leave behind.

History, Influence, and Legacy

So here I am, just short of a month away from turning 30. I have a wonderful wife, a beautiful son who teaches me what it means to live everyday, and 2 wonderful female black labs. A great job for a tremendous organization, my life is really blessed, and I am humbled when I take inventory of the opportunities that have come across my path. But when I start to think about who and where I am, I realize I fall short, way short, of who and what I can be. That realization is like jumping into a cold shower, it smacks me in the face and says wake up, we've got things to do.

So now for some ranting about how I got here, and why some of these things torment me the way they do. I was born to a father I have never known. When I was 1 year old my mother left my father, he was an alcoholic/drug user, gambler, and last but not least, abusive, physically and verbally. So when I was 3 my mother re-married and I was adopted by the man she married. I would then take his last name, now this seems small, but would prove to be a bigger item than one might first think. As I grew up my older brother and sister carried our biological father's name. So this was a constant reminder to me, that I did not know my father. All throughout my life I wondered what he was like, would he be proud of me, etc. But I have no answers to those questions. Later my brother would begin to emulate the actions of my father that led him out of my life, and have ultimately led my brother down the same road. So now the 2 men I am most like in terms of DNA are gone from my life. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't leave a gapping hole, where a strong male role model is supposed to be in a developing man's life.

Which is why I take such a stark inventory of who I am, and what I am about. As history has taught me, being a fool makes you a fool. And I spent a few years as a younger man, being a fool. Making light of people and not ever taking a second to appreciate the wonder that is the people that come into our lives. Nevermind actually letting people peer into my heart and get to know me, the real me. Not the rough exterior that I portrayed, which was I might add, very fragile inside. So I realized that I was losing out on what a major part of life is, and that is the people who are in it. So every day I try and measure in the mirror where I fall, and most days I am still feeling the cold water, but some days, some days I feel like someone who is helping others be what they didn't think was possible for themselves. While fleeting, those moments are pure gold.

But what does this have to do with anything. Well when I posted about Pat Tillman, I didn't talk much about the why, other than a few quotes that are anonomously attributed to Pat Tillman. Where my life has left me short of heroes close to me, I have sought them out. Pat Tillman is one of those heroes for me, and take away all the fancy quotes or inspiring words and it comes down to this.

PEOPLE FELT LIKE THEIR LIVES WHERE BETTER BECAUSE THEY KNEW HIM..........


Now that is something to dream of being, someone who with grace touches the lives of others as life allows our paths to cross. That is a legacy.

Some of you who are reading this have also watched the video of Anthony Munoz's son introducing him for induction to the NFL Hall of Fame. In that video he says to his dad, thank you for always being real. When I watch that I always think of how my dad was never real. And how I am never, ever going to allow that to be a reality for my son, nor for the rest of my family. But also extending that to anyone that takes the time to have a conversation with me. I will always be real, and give them a glimpse into me, in the hopes that they find something that lifts them up.

Pat Tillman

As Memorial Day draws closer I find myself reminded of one of my heroes, Pat Tillman. In honor of him, I wanted to post about him, and what I draw inspiration from. Now keep in mind I did not personally know Pat Tillman, so these are from things I have read about him. None the less you can see he modeled: Challenge Yourself, and Live Life to the Fullest!


"But the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.''

He seemed to portray the sense of being willing to step up and take charge of any situation.

He pushed the limits in life.

He was a non-conformist.

He measured himself by the intensity of his experiences.

He openly squeezed life with both hands – no peeking through closed doors.

He was unconventional – damn the norm!

His waters ran deep.

Don’t tell me about the pain, show me the baby.

He only had one speed.

He was willing to talk and connect with anyone.

He lived his life true to his convictions, without apologizing or making excuses.

He was humble, soft-spoken, and polite.

He turned every encounter into nothing more or less than two human beings talking.

He was the most respectful gutter mouth you ever met, the politest man ever to reach across a restaurant table and dunk his sticky hands into your glass of water.

So playful and so serious, so transparent and so mysterious, so kind and so frightening, so loud and so silent ... so juxtaposed. So at ease with himself that he could meet you wherever you were.
He knew that fear was what stood between a man and an extraordinary life, and the surest way through it was to stare it down over and over, until that gaze became habit.
He lived by a creed of accountability – Take it in the forehead.
He burned with authenticity.
He also challenged others about negative attitudes.
He didn’t think he was better than anyone else.
He had the courage to always test himself.

During a time when we pay our respects to those who have given their lives in our defense it seems only appropriate to take pause, and remember that though they are gone their memories live within us. And hopefully those memories challenge us to do more with the time we have.

Little Wonders

When I am with my son it is the most remarkable experience I have ever known. A close second with falling in love with my wife. But every moment he is full of what I call "GO". He is non stop action and it is beautiful to see the way he attacks life. I only hope that I will never do anything to quell this ambition, instead I hope to channel this energy into healthy and constructive action. But at almost 9 months it is something I marvel at. Each moment is an opportunity for him to explore and learn, and each item is a wonder put before him. It is too bad that as adults we somehow unlearn this, but being with him helps me connect with this same spirit in me.

Standing on the Edge

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau

Many times in my life I have confronted the brutal reality that who I am being can differ greatly from who I am in my heart, leaving in essence the song still in me. It seems that the hectic pace of the day allows for escape from our true center. Our true center being our gift, that gift being that which is most worthy of being shared with others. I have often found that the more I seek center, the more fleeting it is, when I open myself up to simply being impacted by what is around me, I mysteriously arrive at center with no effort. Only the realization that I am there, I am in the place to impact and be impacted. Instead of scrambling to take care of the next item on my to do list, I am where I need to be.

So if you are reading this, you might be saying what is the point of this jibber jabber.

Well my wife's 30th birthday was this week. We had agreed to a large gift for each other, and no real significant gifts for each other on the day as our collective gift is gift enough. So as her birthday drew closer and closer, my insecurity around the lack of material items almost caused panic for me. I knew the only gift I had to give her was me, which is an injustice for her, but really that was all I had to offer.

So she is a teacher, for her birthday my plan was to pick up our son from daycare, eat lunch with her, and spend the afternoon with her in her classroom. Experiencing first hand what her craft was like each day. It didn't work out to bring my son, (when my wife dropped him off at daycare she kept our only car seat). But I was still able to go, and I had no idea what lay before me.

We began our adventure learning about Spain as a prepatory step for the writing exercise to follow, mind you these are kindergardners (and it was all in Spanish). Just watching my wife with the students allowed me to step away from being her husband, and see her using her gifts. I found myself listening to her and the students as an observer, my mind was quite and I was engaged in the moment. Then we broke in to table groups and began writing about what we liked the most from what we had learned about Spain.

I was lucky enough to be seated at a table helping children with all different levels of ability, with one student we had an instant "wow I get it moment" with another we spent 15 minutes going over how to properly write the letter s. But their collective enthusiasm and vigor took me from worrying that I wasn't doing enough for my wife's birthday to knowing that I had never been appreciative enough for not only what she does, but also the grace with which she does it. I found that my heart was full, and on this day I was receiving the gift. I had come down from the edge, and was now at the riverside, able to drink from it's enriching waters.

My challenge is to consistently come off the edge, engage in what is before me and seize the opportunities to learn, grow, love, and care. As these actions naturally draw out what is best within us.

Inspiration

One of the thing's that I try and be is a source of positive energy for others. Some of you reading this may find this surprising, but in my heart when I am giving good energy to others, I feel really alive.

So I was shown something that I think demonstrates what I am talking about. It is from a blog, that I don't read, but know people that do. The writer of the blog is married, and his wife has cancer... What an awful reality for him and his family, but then one day he got this picture in his inbox:



I can only imagine that for an instant the writer of the blog felt supported and uplifted in a way that only caring for another person can give you. I think it is awesome and wanted to share it with you.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, what a wonderful day to celebrate the women that mean so much to us. For me at our house we tried to create a day that was a tribute to the lady that is the glue of our family. My wife is an angel, there really are no other words to describe her. As a mother I am humbled how she always knows just what to do, in times when I am especially clueless, she is guided by an inner light showing the way. It is a remarkable spirit to see in action, but in order to see it my mind must not be cluttered by the other goings on of the moment. Which can be rare, despite my efforts to be present and engaged in the moment.

But back to Mother's Day, what a beautiful day. That is until I had to call my own mother, as our relationship has grown quite strained over time, and I have not had the courage to really address the source of the strain. Instead I have let it fester to a point of now not really knowing where to start in terms of moving past the problem and on to the healing. Instead I prefer the old check engine light approach, ignore it and it will go away. But just light the check engine light, it doesn't, and usually it just makes things worse.

Fatigue

Fatigue, it is said makes cowards of us all. If that means abandoning who we hold ourselves to be in our hearts. Then fatigue has definetely been getting the upper hand with me lately. Our son has recently been fighting another in the long line of ear infections, he has been in pain and not sleeping as well as we might wish he would. Which means for the last 2 nights my wife and I have been up from 1 a.m. to 2 a.m. for me, and closer to 3 a.m. for my wife. So needless to say when we do arise from the bed in the morning we are both pretty tactically focused on what needs to be done, and we may sacrifice the courtesies and affection normally given to the people you live your life for. Funny how easy it is to grow frustrated or perturbed when you are surrounded by everything that makes you, you. I often wonder why it is that we can give strangers more patience and understanding than our own family under some circumstances. Am I the only one who struggles with this? I mean I am not even sure if I gave my wife a hug and kiss and told her how much she means to me this morning. Isn't that an injustice, simply taking for granted that she knows, and that I will have an opportunity to make up for it later tonight? Seems almost criminal... Damn you fatigue for being a convenient excuse to neglect the pieces of me that are most central to my soul....

Me and Sunday

If you are reading this, welcome to this place. Hopefully you are well. The intent of this blog is to serve as a moment of clarity and reflection in my life. As my journey is often quite busy and doesn't offer a lot of time to synchronize my heart, soul, and mind. My hope is that this if only for an instant will be a place for that. I am a new father, with an 8 month old son, 2 female black labs, and a beautiful wife. Every moment of my life I try to live in such a way that they know how much I love and cherish them. That journey is really what this blog will be all about, my struggle to deliver on the promise of being the best man, father, and husband that I can. All the while also trying to fulfill my professional aspirations.

So the first thing to know about me, is Sunday's are meant to be spent doing as little as you have to with the people that you care the most about, which is what I am going to get back to.