Pat Tillman

Today Pat Tillman would have turned 38.

While I knew of Pat as an NFL player, my attention was more focused on him after he turned down an NFL contract to join the Army with this brother Kevin.

Ever since he made that decision I very closely followed his path, of course to it's tragic end.

Many, many things have made my respect for him and his family deepen.

The way that his family remained authentic through the swirl that surrounded them was as inspiring as Pat's life itself.

On this day, in this moment I take pause and simply honor them.

In the next breath....

I can only hope to somehow help each of my children find within them the conviction to be so true to themselves....

Happy 1st Birthday Cleo

As I think back one year to the day Cleo was born, well my whole life comes rushing at me. 

In many ways I have to pinch myself, making sure I am not dreaming this amazing, beautiful, chaotic, amazing, beautiful life is actually the one I am lucky enough to live.  But this isn’t about me, even though a part of my story will be told here, this is about celebrating our angel Cleo.

When I was a boy I couldn’t have ever imagined the grace and beauty that my life would become.  When I spend a few moments with that thought, the emotion of how I feel, my eyes water with tears…… 

Every moment I am fortunate enough to be walking each step of this journey with my life’s partner.  She is the most amazing partner and mother.  I am humbled by watching her and the grace and poise with which she balances the world on her shoulders…..

10/1/13 -  Dall's appointment with the mid-wife, at the appointment we found out she was 6 cm dilated and very much in the midst of active labor.  Of course, as she does, nobody would have known.  Grace, poise, and strength.  After the appointment we’d be headed off to the labor and delivery floor of the hospital.  But first we made a stop at Taco Johns, because I was hungry and we knew it could be a long night. 

As we sat in that booth at Taco John’s we both knew the amazing miracle that was happening.  Another miracle on her way.

This is where I have to pinch myself, where no words can explain.  All I can try to say is that nothing I’ve ever done could ever have deserved the abundant beauty in my life.

Last year tonight I was sitting beside her while she was in the tub with the jets on, laboring away in a silent grace that afforded smiles and laughs.  

A few hours later, Dallas got out of the tub just as effortlessly as she got in, then started to push. 

A few pushes and short breaths later the silence of the moment was greeted with two very small cries, as Cleo was brought up to Dallas.  I was behind Dallas, my arms wrapped around her and Cleo.  Cleo was silent, home.  Her flight just beginning as two angles embraced.

In the year since that moment.  Cleo has blossomed before our eyes, all of our eyes.  Cleo is mommy’s girl, there is just no doubt about that.  But there is so much more………………….

Cleo is Oscar’s sanctuary.  He often retreats to her, gets down on her level and explains to her, shows her, anything that he can.  She is already adept and receiving a handoff with the football.  She is working on hiking him the ball when he is the quarterback.  Oscar also tries to put her in the appropriate jersey for the day, even though it will be years before they will fit.  Quite simply Cleo is Oscar’s littlest sister and he cares for her in the way the oldest brother does.  He loves her with the sweetest hug, and knocks her over with a look of why can’t she keep her balance.

Cleo is Vivian’s baby doll, and future best partner.  Vivian loves, loves, loves to carry Cleo around.  She will grab her by her belly, her arm, her arm pit, whatever she can grab.  Vivian is forever carrying Cleo around, trying to find a space for them to do their thing.  Vivian cares for Cleo by nursing any of her wounds, giving her things that she wants, and always looking out for her.  Quite simply Vivian’s maternal instincts flow directly to Cleo.  It is the most amazing wonder to behold, it’s what we call love.

Cleo is Abram’s mirror/soon to be partner in crime.  While Abram knows Cleo is smaller he doesn’t treat her that way.  He is quick to play with her, quick to take from her, quick to knock her over, quick to hit her, and even quicker to hug her.  For some reason Cleo seems to watch Abram closely and she’s definitely adopted Abram’s beastmode approach to life.  Abram’s shown Cleo how not to be denied, and she’s been the perfect patient.  She too won’t be denied.  Abram’s even given her a nickname, Keeeoo. 

Cleo Rose, well she is our amazing little baby girl who isn’t so little anymore.  She is well on her way, already giving us the business, yet she still won’t stray too far from mommy if she doesn’t have to. 

Some of my favorite’s – the way she scrunches up her face, the way she scrunches up her face and tucks her chin down when she is happy, the way she uses my arm as her pillow at night, the way she looks at Dallas, her sneak hugs where she leans in so close (these remind me most of when she was born), her fearless approach to life, insisting to be doing and not watching.

Cleo Rose, happy birthday our love.  We are exactly where we always needed to be.

Last Year, Tonight

Last year, tonight, we were standing on the ledge of a new beginning.  A new beginning that would change everything in our lives, this beginning was the beginning of life for our daughter Cleo.  Last year, tonight.  My wife started labor for I think around four hours.  I say, “I think”, because I was sleeping through it all.  Over the years and labors my wife has realized that I really offer very little, and thus she did the hard work while I was asleep.

But just as soon as the labor came, it went.  By the time I got up in the morning we went about our routine of getting everyone ready.

From stars we came, to stars we will return.......

Always listening...

Last night we were in the midst of a conversation about anything and everything in the kitchen...  I don't quite remember how it was all going, but what I do remember was when Oscar said that he knew who I was.....

You see for a while now I have been on a journey, it would be appropriate to call it a spiritual journey.  But mostly it is a journey of the spirit.  Almost all of my free time goes to this journey.

It's a journey of the eastern philosophies, Buddhism, Hiduism... Really heavy into Alan Watts...

And I have been dropping comments from time to time around the house about some of the ideas that resonate with me.

I never thought Oscar was really listening.

Until I he answered when I asked him, "who am I"?

He said, "nothing".

I laughed, perfect.  Absolutely perfect. Satori at 7.

One of the great ones.

Just a word of warning to anyone who might read this.

I am feeling the writing bug coming back, so stay tuned for a flurry of my writings.

Until then.

We just had one of the great ones.  One of those weekends, the way they should be.  Full, just bursting at the seams full.

Full in a way that years ago I could have never dreamed.  I couldn't have been wise enough to dream a dream so beautiful.

I'm still not wise enough, but I am damn sure lucky enough....

Full, in the way that you kind of laugh, and in the next breath, almost cry.

It's a feeling I tend to have.  It's grounded in the notion that I couldn't have done anything, anything, to deserve the grace that my life knows...........

It sends me every time, that thought.

In that moment, there aren't words, but it is what we call thankful.  It's more than that though.

When I was 15 I had the good grace to meet the most dynamic force my life has ever known.  It makes me laugh, and almost cry to realize that somehow......... Somehow, the sweetest dream comes true for me every moment of every day.

In a way, this song has the same idea, I hope you enjoy.....

Stay tuned.  More coming soon.

Robin Williams - Gotta see about a girl......

Robin Williams will be remembered by many as an amazing comedian who brought many warm smiles to everyone.  For me, it is much the same.  I can remember watching Mork and Mindy as a young boy, all of that.

But for me, he plays a central role in what is quite possibly the greatest coming of age story of a young man, Good Will Hunting. 

Here are a few of my favorite scenes.

Thank you Robin for sharing your talents with all of us.

Life's Dance.... (For my Mom)

Here we go....

For the last couple of days Vivian has been wanting to get her hair cut.

Last night she did...

First pitches and near misses....

Yesterday Oscar made his starting pitcher debut.  He did an amazing job, striking out two batters, plunking one.  He worked hard getting ready and it made a big difference.

Later that day at home he launched a hit into the neighbors garage. 

He and Vivian came and told us that after the hit they heard the sound of glass breaking.....

As luck would have it the ball landed in broken glass, and did not break the window.  But we had a fun and exciting few minutes as we made the long walk over to the neighbors house....

63 Steps..............

 May 26^th we had the good fortune to board a plane headed for St. Petersburg, Florida.

What lay ahead of us was a week of simply being together, at a beach condo.  An entire week, with nowhere to go, other than where we are.

It sounded too good to be true, and indeed it was.

We arrived and within a short period of time we were on the beach, free to roam, free to play, free – together.  Living present to the wonder that is life.

We played in the sand, sea, pool, and anywhere else we could.  We did this at each available moment.  Quite frankly it was better than I could have ever imagined.

63 steps from the door to the sand.  63 steps.  That is from threshold to breathless.  Breathless views, breath taking beauty, breath giving peace.

Being able to watch our children play unrestricted in nature was a sight to behold.  And maybe more importantly an experience to experience.

Giving the gift of unrestricted time to each other, is truly the greatest gift we can give.

Nothing else compares.

The trip also provided an opportunity to spend time with our children and really experience the transformation they are each undergoing.  Sometimes the only way to see everything is to step back, loosen your grip, and see how everything unfolds.  For me this time provided just such an opportunity.

Oscar – with as much energy as a body can hold continues to attack life.  Passionately seeking, barely resting.  I am not sure how he does it.  His focus is intense.  I often joke that he has the same intensity that I have, the kind that got Dallas to marry me.  Relentlessly pursuing.  One of the things that I marvel at is just how naturally Oscar has taken to speaking Spanish.  He is willing to bust it out anytime.  As we got into our rental car the station was tuned to a station playing Bachata and nobody in the car missed a beat.  In fact when I changed the channel later in our journey Oscar asked why we were listening to English….  Amazing.

Vivian – our passionate feeler.  She continues to experience life in her feelings and emotions.  Marveling at the beauty that often goes unnoticed.  Willing to spend hours at the beach feeling the waves or searching for shells.  She is the perfect companion on any journey.  She is nurturing and caring in a way that teaches me how to be more attentive.  Simple pleasures like swimming in the pool or enjoying a popsicle take on a whole new meaning with her.  Quite simply she is so naturally beautiful that it is just a marvel.

Abram – words don’t really due justice to Abram.  He is just a beast.  Always willing, he squeezes the most from every experience.  He can be the sweetest boy, he can be the toughest fighter.  I really can’t believe that he is only 2.  It just doesn’t seem right.  He has his own rhythm and can’t be deterred.  Whether it is 3 hour naps or walking off in his own solitude.  He has a big laugh, a big smile, a big bite, and a big right hook.  It is great seeing him really come into his own.  One part best friend, one part mommy’s little man.  All parts beautiful.

Cleo – our little mover and shaker when she isn’t in arms.  Cleo enjoys a special closeness with Dallas that is both beautiful and a lot of work.  She is beautifully quiet, graceful in her smile, with an ease that flows from her.  Cleo is beginning to explore the world around her, discovering for herself.  She is 8 months old, it seems as though our little baby is becoming a little girl.  Something I’m not sure we’re  ready for.  In her becoming it is clear that for now she may prefer to be in arms, but soon she will be chasing the feet of her older brothers and sister. 

As for Dallas.  It is always an amazing experience for me to be able to see Dallas in her element.  Capturing new horizons, exploring, discovering, opening her heart to all that is around her.  She is a marvel, and her light guides me.  She is most at home in tropical climates and this time was no different.  Hers is an easy grace and poise that causes me to laugh and ask how in the hell I got so lucky.  Sunrise beach exploring with me was replaced with sunrise beach exploring with our children and I tell you, it stirs my heart, the gifts she gives to all of us.  From learning how to prepare and cook fresh seafood to wondering why we thought Disney World was a good idea, Dallas my love you are the greatest companion and the greatest life partner I could have ever dreamed of.

For me – I think the only thing I can say is that I am learning that the present moment, that is the meaning of everything.  The rest, well I think this song captures it:

Or, maybe this:

Cleo Rose - Always in tow...

Becoming....

La Princessa

Disneyland

 Disneyworld

Same beach, same shorts, different boys....

Family Swing.... Same swing, years later...

My how she has changed

Some of the most amazing moments of my life.....

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.  These pictures are worth a thousand memories to me.

Play Ball!

Happy Birthday Vivian 4/22/14

Vivian,

Here we are, the day you’ve waited so patiently for.  Happy Birthday my love.  I hope that your every dream comes true. 

I wanted to write you a letter, in the hopes to cast a spotlight on just how amazing you are, and how thankful I am for you.

Vivian –

She sings songs like nobody is listening.

Dancing, spinning, and twirling like nobody is watching.

She creates projects like an artist on a deadline.

Quite simply a moment with Vivian, is an experience of heaven.

Kind, loving, and generous…Beyond words.

It isn’t uncommon for Vivian to beat me to comforting Cleo.

She loves everything, sees the beauty in everything, and she keeps as much of it as she can (in her headboard).

Just so she can admire it’s beauty once more.

She is curious about curious things.

She loves to ride her bike fast….

She loves to cuddle with her stuffed animals, oh so tight.

She eats Nutella and banana’s most mornings for breakfast.

Yet somehow if we don’t have Nutella and banana’s, she is just fine.

She always has a spot on her leg that hurts.

She is popsicles and ice cream.

She loves decorating and decorations.

She listens, always.

The sun smiles when Vivian comes out.

Hers is a beauty that can be easy to overlook; subtle and calm.

Excited by the wonder of everything.

Vivian is a feeler, life flows through her.

Fierce on the field.

She is the kindest hug and kiss goodnight.

She is a long goodbye, and a racing hello.

She puts everyone else first.

Vivan, on your birthday and every day.  Thank you for being so amazing.  You teach me in every moment how to see what is beautiful and right with the world.  At least once every day I see or hear you do something and I wonder….. Just what I could have done to be so honored to witness the miracle that is you.

I love you.

Renewal

It has been a long time since I’ve posted.

Life continues to be beyond kind to me and to our family.

We are in the midst of all the things that four little ones can hold and bring.

Over the weekend we had a baseball game, Easter egg hunt, bike riding, and Easter brunch.

Somehow those simple words don’t quite do justice to the experience of these events.

Each one on their own a magnificent experience of all that is good, and all that is even better.

I continue to learn, so much that it is nearly impossible to catalog those learning's in the form of words.

I am working to renew my commitment to these three things:

-         -Write love letters to those you love

-          -Capture life’s moments

-          -Reflecting on the extraordinary and the ordinary

And so begins my quest.  If there is anyone still reading this, this is for me, and of course for you, I hope you enjoy this renewal.   

Welcome to being one step closer to seeing inside me.