30

Well it has come, I turn 30 today. For me birthday's often serve as a point of reflection on where I am, and what I have experienced in the last year, for that matter in all of my years. A time to recount the amazing blessings I have had, and curse with distain the misteps that have littered the path. But now it is different, I mean I am 30.

I am supposed to have this life figured out by now, right? But I have found that the more I thought I knew, the more ignorant I really am. So this milestone marks a new transition, to being the man I am capable of being, and living true to my heart.

So in true manifesto fashion I have designed some short navigational statements to keep me on track. Life is our journey, and that journey is only as rich as our experiences, those experiences only yield the amount of effort they were given, so from here on out it is committed effort only, in all aspects, all the time.

Here is my compass:
All out committed effort
Engage in the moment
Never settle
Actions louder than words
Abandon the recipe

Short and simple. No need to get carried away, but keep in mind the path is worn with desperate souls who knew they could do more.

Believe in yourself and grasp with both hands that which you hold dear.

If you see me, hold me brutally accountable, as I love you, and you are helping me.


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The Art of Miscommunication and Misunderstanding - Fatigue II

Last night/early this morning my son was having trouble sleeping. It all started around 12:30 a.m., but who is counting anyways. So we brought him into bed, and the adventure began. The next time I realized he was awake, 2:07 a.m. Keep in mind that I am not very good at waking up, so he may have been awake for longer. You would have to ask my wife to know for sure. But he wakes up and doesn't want to go back to sleep, my wife and I are synchronized at this time, and think he must be hungry. So he eats, and we hope he will be going back to sleep in no time. My wife puts him into his crib after he is done eating and seems to be asleep, but he decides.... Well he decides it isn't time for sleep.

Now the story starts. So my wife and I have been having our son sleep in our bed for a variety of reasons after he wakes up at night. Mostly because he has been having so many ear infections, and we feel like if he is sick or in pain, the least we can do is provide some relief in the form of being close to mom and dad, mostly mom, ok almost all mom.

But we also understand that this habit has got to stop. So we have tinkered around with letting him cry while in his crib, in an effort to get him to soothe himself back to sleep. The hard part here for me, is that I do not do well with listening to him cry. That being said, I have to hear him crying, then be woken up by it, then I don't like it and want to help him be comfortable. Which means I remove him from his crib, and take him to his mom awaiting further instruction.

But right now he has an ear infection, so in my mind standard protocol dictates that he take his rightful location between me and his mother. See this works out well for me because she soothes him and I end up falling back asleep. Good for me, but not that great of a deal for my wife.

So here we are, 2:07 and my wife begins logical communication with me around our new intended course of action, but it is 2:08 now and my mind is only capable of digesting what I had programmed in prior to going to sleep, which was if he wakes up, he goes between us, I go to sleep and my wife takes care of the rest. So the new course of action my wife is proposing is being rejected by my still sleeping mind.

Let the frustration and confusion ensue. After about 60 seconds of rational logic persuasion my wife realizes that my course is set, and really unwavering. Keep in mind, my brain is still asleep, which is why I am choosing the course of most resistance. I tell my wife that I have everything under control and that he will be asleep in no time. She is frustrated and willing to give me more rope... 2:37 a.m.

2:40 a.m. my wife uses her veto power and decides that instead of negotiating she is taking action. We head upstairs to our California King bed for all of us to get settled in and go to sleep. 3:00 a.m. he is still not sleeping and I have made the mistake of getting a little to comfortable, my wife senses this and immediately holds me accountable to our solidarity promise (no matter what we do, we do it together). I quickly try and justify my actions as simply settling in for the long haul, she calls my bs and knows I was on my way down. Next thing I know I am over compensating by deciding it is a good idea to rock our little man to sleep 3:07 a.m. At around 3:25 I return to bed with our little guy still with a full head of steam. Nice work I know! From here it is a blur, only that I know I will not make the mistake of blinking for too long... Sometime around 3:45 I think he went to sleep, I didn't have the energy to check in with the clock.

Great, Grand, Fathers and Sons

This past weekend my wife, son, and myself ventured back to our home state to visit family. It was a bittersweet trip in the sense that one of the purposes of our trip was to help my wife's parents get things in order for what we anticipate will be the passing of at least one of her grandparents. None the less, my spirits were high as this was a time to return home and seize opportunities that I had let pass me by before.

We met my sister and her family for an overnight stay in our old hometown. This was her first chance to meet my son, and being the proud father that I am, I was so proud to share him with her and her family. He is such a charismatic little boy that in seconds he had them all laughing and smiling. I think he got that from his mother.

Anyways it was just a great chance to be with family, after having let the time and miles slip by for too long.

We then returned back to were my wife's grandparents live. And our journey began to take on new meaning at this point. I was involved in as much of the labor as they would let me do. But most of the labor was of a different kind. The labor of love and the binds of family. I witnessed my father in law, at a cross roads. Here he was in the home he grew up in, making all of his childhood memories, some good, some bad. But none the less, this is where he first came to know this world. I watched him in this home, and it was sad. He was preparing the home, and other administrative matters to be settled. The settling of all of the years and tears that his family had given him. I watched him still walk on egg shells around his father, a man of 85 years, whose life had seen all of the tragedy and triumph those years could hold. I watched him hold his mothers hand, as she was sometimes present, and sometimes very distant, I am sure in a corner of her mind that held her better years. As twilight approaches for them both, I was painfully aware of the fragility of life, and how helpless I was to impact the situation.

Except for one thing, like I said my son was with us. And he could light up any room. And that was exactly what he did, he took the people in that home from their own silent despair, and at least for a moment offered a reprive. Many of them laughed and smiled with him in a way I don't think they had in some time. One gal that I can't forget even said, "Please come and see me again, won't you?". The heartache in those words ringing in my ears still. We did see her again, and she held our son, I hope that for a moment her heart was full of the beauty of this life. My son's Great Grandmother even smiled when she saw him, he will never remember those moments, but I will.

It seems that we spend our lives accumulating, things and memories, and when the dust settles what are we left with? Hopefully someone who loves us enough to be with us in those final moments, gripping our hands and remembering just how much we shared together. For in the end, the funeral will get paid for, the estate settled, but those aren't the pieces that hold our lives work. Our legacies are defined by the people and memories we leave behind.